Conversing with an Ogre...

It's a narrow, treacherous path that winds it's way to a dark and mysterious corner in the recesses of the back of my mind.

There's an Ogre always lurking there, waiting for just the right opportunity to make my life miserable.

Today, I decided it was time for a confrontation to settle all the absurdities that she has been imposing on me. I knew that once I called her out, there was no turning away. Would I be strong enough to ward off her ire or would I buckle under her constant pressure to only feel defeated again?

Somewhere, in the distance, I could faintly hear a whinny voice (not so unlike my own). It seemed to suck the air out of the space around me. Then an incredible, ugly shadow fell across my path. As I ventured closer, I recognized it as my very own Ogre-of-Self-Doubt. (here on, known as OoSD)

The conversation went like this: (Don't laugh... it's cheaper than therapy!)

OoSD: "So, little lady, you finally worked up enough courage to come looking for me."

Me: "Yes. We need to resolve our differences so I can get on with the important things in my life. Why do you feel the need to block my way?"

OoSD: "Oh, my sweet, I'm only here because you invited me."

Me: "I certainly did not! I don't want you hanging around, always making me feel unworthy of anything I try to accomplish. (whinny voice inserted here)

OoSD: "Unworthy?! Let's get something clear right here and now. I wouldn't be bugging you all the time, if you didn't continue to feed me all your negative crap. I remember a time when you were creative... and vibrant... and energetic."

Me: "How can that be? I don't remember you at all."

OoSD: "Of course you don't remember! I was only a glimmer in your thoughts back then. If you had any doubts about a situation or someone else's motives, you were able to sort out what was right and wrong because you always had confidence in yourself. Although, I have to say, you made some pretty stupid choices at times, but you always pulled through."

Me: "Thanks a lot for that last remark! You sure know how to make a girl feel bad. I have to tell you that I think you've grown up to be quite ugly."

OoSD: "Now don't go having a hissy-fit. You started this, and may I remind you, that it's you who has been serving up a smorgasbord of negativity. It's what I thrive on."

At this point, I sat down on the ground and starred at the tiny mushroom at my feet. I could feel the Ogre's beady eyes watching me.


OoSD: "So... You think that mushroom is pretty?"

Me: "Of course I do. See how fragile it appears and it's such a beautiful shade of orange."

OoSD: "Exactly! You're lucky to have been able to take note of such a tiny creation of Mother Nature. But, I know you. You'll download it onto you laptop and possibly never look at it again. Maybe you'll eventually store it on a flash-drive and it will be lost forever! Yep, that's how you are. Always thinking that your photos aren't good enough. Is it because you don't have one of those fancy smancy cameras with enough gadgets to fit in a 10 gallon tote? Enough already!" Get up off your duff and make things happen!

Me: "Boy, you sure are nasty! And besides, what do you know about laptops, downloads, flash-drives and cameras with the latest gadgetry? You're just on Ogre, for God's sake!

OoSD: "Ha! I know more than you give me credit for because, if you care to remember, I am YOU. Don't be so critical.

Me: "So, you're saying that I have to get rid of you before I can be successful in anything I plan to do?"

OoSD: "No, of course not. It's your attitude that controls what I become. I wouldn't be so obnoxious and demeaning if you'd throw a few bits of positiveness my way. Sometimes you just need a little shove in the right direction and I'm here to help give you a push. Don't make this such a burden on either of us!"

Me: "Okay, okay. I think I'm beginning to get the picture. Small doses of doubt gives me the opportunity to question what's wrong, choose what's right and let the rest go."

OoSD: "Wooo Haaa, baby! Now you're catching on! I want to tell you this before I go: I love to snack on the negative energy created by those who you let bother you, so keep that damned door shut or I'll never go away!"

Suddenly, a peaceful feeling settled over me and the once-ugly Ogre of Self Doubt began to dissipate before my very eyes and a more gentle being filled the space of my mind. The path ahead appeared brighter and, because it's my nature to feel the need to have the last word, I whispered into the warm afternoon breeze:

"I wish we would have had this conversation a long time ago."

Namaste'
Barb